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02 May 2008 @ 12:42 pm
Seconds and Poly Relationships  
As I sit here kind of numb from this morning, I wonder abut people and their thinking vs feeling dictates. I had been with my current girl about 4 years and at the very beginning she was okay with poly and sharing me with others. A we'd stayed together the topic came up quite a few more times. I thought it would be good for us both t ohave another with us. You see my current is a paraplegic and tries hard to do all that I need (i love that about her) and she is the jewel of my life. But I have had this desire to also enjoy the unique capabilities of the walking girl. It would also, I reasoned, help my girl as she have a sister and a helper. This was all agreed to on bith sides. But, each time we've found somebody who might work we've discovered emotional fireworks or hotbuttons.
Some of the problems and their outcomes:
  First G: Feels self-conscious about her appearance and all the girl B's caused her to feel less than any of those I would like to be with.
  Tried: Had first G find and pick candidates for a second.
  Second G: All of these were near the bottom of the looks barrel, or desparately deranged, or clueless about life.

  First G: A worried she found not be able to be friends with girl B.
  Tried: Let her get to know the other girl first.
  Second G: Was friendly with 1st, but a stranger to me. Was not interested in being mine, only first girl's.
  Result: Decided we both needed to talk to second from the beginning.

  First G: A doesn't like to be excluded, has fears and concerns of being left out.
  Tried: Second had to be only with us both, in person, in IM, on telephone, or with her only. First needed to be in on everything I did with second.
  Second G: Needs time alone with me. Lost any interest as it became clear they would not get alone time with Me.
  Result: First had realized this wouldn't work forever, but decided over time she'd adjust if she could suggest the alone times herself.

  First G: Never came to feel good about me being alone with second, even long distance.
  Tried: Talking about the need for chat and phone to getting to know you stuff.
  Second G: Felt closer and more secure about her position with me.
   Result: First would spy on chats and try to eavesdrop on convos. React negatively to the things shared.

In first g's emotional condition, my only options was to break it off with second. So, now we ave decided there will be no more attempts to fill this poly need in my house. I don't know how to make my first feel secure about pole though she'd said all along she was all for it.

Now what? I can't just leave first and start again, as I've become important to First girl and a father to her teen son. I won't do that. So, will it be another few years of yrarning and longing and missing out on other things? I don't know. I just wish I had answers. Well, this scenario goes on over multiple tries and there are other smaller issues, but these were the worse and hardest.

Lord Laraby
 
 
Locus: Office
Somaticus: discontentdiscontent
Melodious: chatter
 
 
 
jaiserjaiser on June 11th, 2008 01:44 am (UTC)
Don't know if this will help or not, but have you read "The Ethical Slut"? It's a very practical book about poly life that addresses a lot of what you've written about.

PS ~ I saw a comment of yours in a community and thought I'd check out your LJ, that''s how I'm here.